Shattered
by emeraldpriestess
Summary: Myka wakes up into a dream. But why does everything hurt?


Inspired by pics of Myka in a hospital and HG in a labcoat that have been floating around...

* * *

A soft touch to her forehead brings Myka to awareness. The first thing she sees after her eyes have adjusted to the cold white light is Helena in a white lab coat, worrying her lip and looking intently at a monitor next to the bed.

So Myka concludes it's a dream.

She and Helena have saved each other again and again in another life, but the life Myka is living now is full of insanity, murder, death, and a profound loneliness. Painfully devoid of all the emotions she once treasured. Devoid of Helena.

But this is a dream, so Myka indulges.

She studies Helena from behind half-closed eyelids, hoping that she won't be noticed. Helena looks worried, and had this not been a dream, Myka would have been worried too.

_We're all gonna die anyway._

Her own words from years past echoes briefly in Myka's head. If she's about to die in this dream, she must do what hasn't been done in the real world. Something she doubts is ever going to happen in the reality she would rather not return to. For all Myka knows, Helena might have died in the sweating sickness several months ago.

So Myka stirs.

Helena whips around, surprise colouring her cheeks. "Myka!"

"Hey you…" Myka wonders why it's so hard to speak.

"How are you feeling?"

Myka manages a weak smile. "Like I'm dreaming."

Helena looks at her with a mix of worry and amusement. "Does it hurt?"

Myka tries to kick her nerves into action. She doesn't feel anything. "I don't feel much."

Helena's face falls slightly, though she clearly tries to hide it.

"I felt your hand though, on my head."

Helena smiles. "That's good. It's a start. Do you remember what happened?"

So many questions. Myka feels herself drifting away. No. It's her dream. She can and will do this.

"Helena….I…come closer."

Helena frowns but closes the small space between them, sits down on the bed and takes Myka's hand in her own.

"Can you feel this?"

"Yes." Myka breathes.

Helena searches Myka's face for a clue as to the thoughts she can see swirling around in green eyes, but it's impossible for her to make sense of the whirlwind in there.

"Myka, tell me what you need."

Myka is so tired. Her eyelids insist on closing every time she forces her eyes to focus. But she pushes and pushes, and eventually gets the words out.

"…Kiss"

"What?"

Myka coughs weakly.

"Kiss…me…"

Helena takes a deep breath. "I'm not sure this is the time…"

Myka's grip on her hand tightens painfully.

"Now."

So Helena bends down and gently presses her lips to Myka's, because there is a fair chance this is only going to happen once. Through the hospital smells she picks up Myka's own scent, a mix of an elegant perfume applied before fistfights and travels half-way around the globe, and the unique, subtle scent of Myka herself.

Myka's thumb caresses the hand she gripped so roughly before.

Helena is glad that she's sitting down. Pulling back, she breathes in shakily and looks up to meet wide eyes.

Myka is staring at her in surprise.

"This is real."

Helena touches two fingers to her own lips, feeling the lingering tingles where they have finally touched perfection. "Oh, yes. Though it would have been the most magnificent of dreams."

Myka then realises several things at once. Helena is here, wherever here is. They have finally kissed, and oh how she have longed for that. But this is the life where Artie is locked up in a psychiatric clinic because he cannot handle having killed someone he considered a daughter. And it's the life where the remaining agents go about their business, doing what needs to be done without the old spark, the happiness, the _life_. They are saving the day, yes, but at least for Myka, staying safe while doing it doesn't matter much anymore.

And this time it seems she almost died. It might have been better if she really had because then she wouldn't have to feel so guilty about the happiness that threatens to burst out of her chest in this moment.

"No."

"No?"

Myka looks away.

"Leena is dead."

Helena sits up straight, moving slightly away from the immediate memory of soft lips.

"I know."

Myka is suddenly very awake and very much in pain. It feels like unsharpened knives are slicing through her body with the slight stir of every breath, and she cannot comprehend the rush of conflicting emotions that are relentlessly assaulting her senses.

"Everything is wrong. How can you be here when everything is wrong?"

Confusion and pain are fighting for dominance in Myka's eyes, filling Helena's own with tears.

"How can you be here…?" Myka repeats, clutching at Helena's hand and shuddering from the pain ignited by the rush of adrenaline.

Helena starts speaking in a rush, "I was finally allowed back. After all the time I had to sit by and watch, I was allowed back to help you". Chuckling humourlessly, she goes on, "Considering my research has helped both you and Claudia by now, Dr Moreau has easily become my favourite work."

She takes a breath and continues, "I just wish… I wish I hadn't been so compliant. I wish I had come sooner. I wish I'd done something more about Artie's odd behaviour, I wish…"

"Don't." Myka interrupts quietly.

She is the one who should feel guilty, not Helena. She is the one who should be punished and take the consequences. She failed to protect her family. It doesn't matter that she saves the world again and again – she let down her family by not seeing how dangerous Artie had become, and that is unforgivable.

She is supposed to be the smart one.

"I failed." She states flatly.

"Is that what you believe?"

That's what I _know_." Myka's expression is hard from conviction and pain. Her eyes burn cold. "Again. I failed again. So you see, I can't kiss you outside of dreams. I'll end up failing you too."

Helena's chest hurts.

"You are human, Myka. We make mistakes. I've failed you a thousand times. I've betrayed you, plotted behind your back, held a gun against you head."

"That wasn't you."

Helena ignores her. "And yet you forgave me, again and again. You asked me to kiss you just now, despite all I've done. Why?"

Myka looks away, breathes in deeply and immediately regrets it. She moans in pain.

Helena moves to rise from the bed. "I'll make them give you a higher dose of morphine…"

Myka uses her final strength to reach out and grab Helena's wrist.

"Because I love you."

Helena sits back down and stares at their hands, fighting back tears. Finally meeting Myka's eyes, she says "And I love you, Myka. And that's it. We forgive and we fight because of love. But even if we try our hardest, sometimes the ones we love get hurt. Sometimes they die. And all we can do is keep fighting so that one day we can love again. It's rather masochistic, I suppose, but the wonder of but one brief moment of happiness is enough to know that we do not live fully until we embrace the risk of loss."

"It's too hard. I'm so tired..." Myka's voice is rough from pain and emotion. Her eyes, about to fall shut, opens again in response to Helena's raised voice.

"Damn it, Myka, you have to fight! I can't save you unless you fight with me. And I will not let you die, it's simply not an option."

Myka watches Helena's chest rise and fall rapidly in agitation, her eyes boring into Myka's own, pleading, urging.

_The price is too high._

She blinks when it all falls into place. They are back in the forest, Myka refusing to destroy a friend (though that word is not quite enough to describe them). This time it's Myka sacrificing herself, but for what cause? What will her death accomplish? Guilt and regret will remain, perhaps even grow for the ones left behind.

She blinks again.

"You love me?"

Helena relaxes a little. "Yes of course I do, you must know that."

Myka nods.

"It hurts", she says again, but this time referring to the physical pain. "What happened?"

Relief washes over Helena's features.

"Let's see… you were whammied, as Mr Lattimer so elegantly puts it, by a bone-crushing artefact, fought four men twice your size, took a two-storey fall, and was pierced by hundred of shards of glass."

Myka winced. "Woah."

"And how are the others?"

"They're all right."

"We saved the day?"

"Of course you did."

Helena smiles. "You need more medicine. I'll be back soon."

Myka watches her go, unable to completely supress the happiness she feels because of having Helena back. Maybe…maybe it's okay to be happy for a little while.

The morphine spreads quickly through her blood stream, and it isn't long before Myka's bruised and battered body is about to succumb to sleep. Before drifting off she mumbles, "I'll fight with you…"

The promise comes to rest in Helena's heart as she settles back in an armchair close to the bed and closing her eyes to a light slumber. She's certain that she'll find a solution to getting the remaining shards of glass out of Myka's body without hurting any vital organs.

And they will save the day together once again.


End file.
